The 13th Apostol

Psychotic Ranting/Anonymous Foaming!

Thank GAWD Eden finally has a category for me!!!!!

So excited I could wet my pants (I do that anyway though) It's called GETTING OLD...you just wait kiddies.

Mer-boy is awake, and past the stage where he comes into my office to say "G'Mornin' Mama" OK, so I have a flippin dog and cat...who the Hell cares?

I (sniff) do!

What shall we do today, this lovely Indian Summer Saturday?

Lets see, mer will yell about what a terrible house keeper I am (I'd rather have a happy kid than a spotless house...that will have to wait till Monday)

Mer will yell about how "I KNOW mom" when I try to tell him anything.

Mer will do something destructive and or artistic (one can never tell) because he's Mer.

I will take my Cymbalta...and my lighter just quit on me. (good thing I had thirty five candles lit huh)

I will try to appease mer by singing a Chicago song "Saturday, in the park" and mer will tell me "STOP! I'm trying to watch "Phineus and Ferb"

I'll leave mer hear and go to Target to get a gift for a friend, smoke many cigarettes, and try and figure out WHY I had children?

When I return, Mer will unlock the door with a game in his hand saying "I'm Hungry"

I give up.

...but only until, like last night, he crawls into bed with me, the oatmeal dog, and Bubu the cat and tells me "I love you mama"

He is still my heart.

NaBloPoMo Vs Nanowrimo (sigh)

Of course, I'm late to get started, and can't seem to expedite Nanowrimo via the UK, Google Chrome, standing on my head or selling my first born to whomever will pay dividends...

I...have become a SAAAAD writer, a sorrowful Photojournalist, and on occasion a venting (near black out) mother. Yes you say...join the black out club. When ones angelic angel becomes a "I HATE YOU" preteen...what's a mother to do but comply.

"I know you do, now eat your grilled cheese damn it"

"But Moooom, the dog chewed a hole in the crotch of my best jeans"

Yeah, well, welcome to the club...in fact I still have items at the tailors I need to pick up (freakin dog) "But I waaaaaant a Jack Russell Mom!"

...and you got it, so did I, the floors, the carpets, and anything she could shedd upon (en mass)...so we got her a 12 yr old cat, MY old cat, whom she will surely kill from exhaustion. Run, run, chase, chase, it never ends until Bubu the cat smacks Achi chi the wonder dog in the face. At which point she comes whimpering to me, wanting to spread her "oatmeal love" all over my lap (the dog smells like oatmeal)

Yes, she needs a bath, but where to find the time...I'd have to give her a doggie valium if I took her to a groomer. Please don't get me wrong, this animal was so severely abused when we rescued her, and she's come so far in almost a year...she's a family member who still has "Burrowing" instincts. If we are in bed, she MUST burrow under the covers, leaving my lavender smelling sheets like, you guessed it...oatmeal.

Achi chi sleeps with Mer-boy at night, and so far I think (by pulling up every scatter rug on our concrete floors, I've been able to break her of relieving herself on his floor in the middle of the night. The FIRST thing I do in the morning is take her sleepy, yawning (so cute) ass out back and...there she goes! Comes RUNNING back in and climbs in bed with him.

She's terrified of the rain (I shudder to think of snow) horrified of the dark, thunder, and carrots...God knows what this poor animal went through.

She's been good for Mer-boy, at least he has someone as speedy as him.

It's been a long time coming, that we would own our home, be able to have a dog, cat, and Beta...gut the darn place and then make it ours...so many years I promised Mer "Soon honey, soon" as I worked so hard to clear up past debt...now here it is.

Smudges from little hands on every corner and doorway I can't stand to wash off...someday Mer won't be here, then maybe, but for now I love the fact I don't have to tell him every five minutes, "Honey, we don't own this house!"

I have one bare wall of concrete and sand with re-bar exposed. I LOVE this wall. Very Georgia O'Keefe, very Southwest, as is most of the home. As I was remodeling after closing, the lil buggar carved his beautiful name in the wall...and it will stay there forever...

...as I hope we do. 

"Home" is so much more than a house. 

Byron Katie's "The Work"

There are times when single parenting, such as now (Cough, hack, spew) that all one wants to do is curl up in bed with their non-existent two-year-old and cuddle, reading "Goodnight Moon", all the Nancy Wells books, and the all-time favorite "Are You My Mother?"

My baby is gone, growing into this amazingly strong, self-sufficient young man...and it's so hard, so very hard to let him go. There will be no more children for me, no more babies that smell like rose petals, no more sleepless nights...I waited too long in my grief and stonewall of the opposite sex.

I write about this now, because of the work I'm doing with Byron Katie, a 6 CD set called "Your Inner Awakening" "Katie" as she is called, speaks as though an angel took her tongue. Katie speaking of "The Work" of all the horrific pain, but in such a loving tone, almost song-like, as she requests you "Turnaround" the person, place, thing, situation that you have given your inner peace to.

My friend Laura, one of the most gentle people I've ever met, whose family (read: Brood) took Mer-boy in after my wreck turned me on to Byron Katie after gently suggesting her several times over the course of a year.

I wasn't ready until desperation, the reality of my will run rampant, and "Supermom-ism" took it's toll and I could not get out of bed. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually drained from having "Been in charge" for so many years...I wanted peace.

As I walk through my losses, feel the pain, experience the "Turnaround", a peace comes over me, physical pain is diminished, I am healing where I've never healed before.

...and I am precious.

Beautiful Ukraine Girl Tells Story With Sand & Light

Ukraine's Got Talent * Sand Animation

Vagina's and Clitoris'...Mama Has a "Him"

The words, including "Penis" make Mer-boy squirm...and honestly, in a sick, demented way...I enjoy it. (why I don't know)

"Bad Mommy"...but really, we ARE Unitarian, and Mer has attended O.W.L (Our Whole Lives) sexual education. Nary a school chum refers to their appendage as a "Penis" though...therein lies the communication gap.

Me: "Well what do you want me to call it, it's no different than your elbow?"

Mer: "I don't know, just, just, just don't CALL it anything!"

Shit, pre-teens are a pain in the ass. When they aren't glued to the Wii, or a hand held (no pun intended) they have LITERALLY nothing to say, but "I'm hungry"

If I could ship his ass off to boarding school I'd do it in a heartbeat...then within the next few heartbeats I'd miss his obnoxious retorts so badly I'd fly to Switzerland and collect Mer myself!

Those of you who have watched Mer grow from a precocious four-year-old into a HIDEOUS eleven and a HALF-year-old, know what I'm talking about.

No more snuggling in the cold of the winter to save on heating bills..."I need MY space MOM" (Oh, no he did NOT?)...but, he did, and they DO, and we MUST let them GO!

As difficult as severing that umbilicus is, our offspring don't want to hear us use words like VAGINA, CLITORIS, and the God-forbidden PENIS...

it just happens, like while were making coffee one morning everything shifts...and we have to embrace the shift, as much as it means we will forever be alone, spinsters, with 47 cats all named "Kitty"

The bright side to all this is, as they age, they become EMPLOYABLE...rendering our paychecks for such things as "Blue seven", "Toms Shoes" (more than one pair) Denali coats, J. Crew to no end...

Wake up Mama, he's eleven. K.

So a few more years and then he won't call my boyfriend "It"...

and he does. i. e. "It" tracked mud in the house, "It" made a mess in the kitchen", "It" broke one of the solar lamps along the drive"

Baby boy..."It" kept Mama warm last night, and that's ALL, because "IT" happens to care about you like "It' does "It's" own daughter...

WE...LOVE...YOU...BOTH...

Take it or leave it kid ((HUGS))